Hot Enough for You? And More Golf Course Fun

It's been a long time since I told any golf course stories, so I think it's time for another.

Actually, it's been pretty dull on the course for a while now. We had a couple of tournaments which require two beverage carts to keep everyone happy (read: to keep everyone boozed up). People drink a lot on tournament days. On those days Hubby drives the second cart. We split the course: front nine and back nine, and even then I can't keep up. We make it a little more interesting by placing bets to see which of us can sell the most and who can earn the most tips. It's even more fun when I tell the people I'm serving that Hubby and I have bet against each other...sometimes they take pity on me and tip me extra. But some of them are snitches and when they get on the back nine and meet up with Hubby they laugh, hahahaha, and confide in him what I told them, then tip him too. On the one hand, being uber-competitive as I am, I resent them. On the other hand, all the tips end up in the same place so we end up with more cash because of it.

For those of you unfamiliar with North Dakota weather, it changes really fast. One of the favorite local sayings is, "if you don't like North Dakota weather, just wait a few minutes." We've had a couple of days on the course where it starts out sunny, hot, humid, then as the hours tick away the clouds build, the wind picks up, and before you know it you're stuck at the tee box on 4, which is like half a mile from the clubhouse, and suddenly the clouds open up and literally dump an inch of rain. Okay, so not so much dump as blow sideways, and no matter how fast you try to get the stupid cart to drive it's not fast enough to avoid getting soaked to the skin so that when you walk into the clubhouse Hubby and boss and everyone laughs at you.

Today was a pretty slow day. It topped 90 degrees and probably 150% humidity. Pretty miserable. Every single time I stopped to sell something, somebody had to ask me "hot enough for you." I mean, really. Is it necessary to ask that? Because clearly it is hot enough. It's more than hot enough. But how do you answer that?

"Why yes, yes it is."

"It's hot? I hadn't noticed."

"Oh yeah baby, it's hot. Just like I like it."

"aaaaarrrghghghghgspfffffft."

But it got better when the really, really old fossil of a man who golfs every single weekend but has never, ever said a word to me, much less deigned to buy anything from me, asked me to take my top off. Okay, back up a little. He was golfing with about a dozen Canadians (who are notorious on the course for getting liquored up but quick...no offense to Canadians in general. It's just our local ones)(they come down from Saskatchewan and load up on American beer they can't get in Canada).

So Fossil is golfing with all these Canadians (I don't know if they're friends, relatives, business associates, or what). And Fossil actually buys some beer from me. Apparently it loosened his inhibitions and his lips a great deal. At the tee box for 7 he asks me:

"Hot enough for you?" (big surprise there). I give him a polite, noncommittal and dismissive laugh. then he says:

"How can you stand to wear that sweater?" (I was wearing a lightweight sweater over a tank top.)

I say: "The heat doesn't really bother me that much." (it does, but I'm not about to wear just a tank top around these guys)

He says: "You should take your top off."

I'm like, what?! Then he says, as he's back in his cart and driving past me to the next hole:

"Hehe. Dirty old man, huh?!"

Ewwww. So I don't see him again until the back nine, tee box for 14, where he and his buddies buy yet more beer. Fossil says:

"It's still hot. You should take your top off."

I ignore him and sell beer to his more polite Canadian friends. He tries one more time:

"When are you going to take your top off?"

I say: "When I get home tonight."

Which makes the Canadians guffaw, probably because they're all drunk, because it wasn't really that funny.

Thankfully, that was the last I saw of Fossil and his pals today. I hope he goes home and sleeps it off and the next time I see him he's back to his ignore-me-and-don't-buy-anything self.

So that's all I've got for golf course stories for now. I'll probably have more later. God knows that place is a gold mine for a writer.

Invasion of the Bloggy Snatchers!

I'm getting in on this super duper late in the game. When Rebecca at Sonshine Thoughts first announced it I wanted to jump on board, but of course life got in the way and I looked at the calendar today and realized, OMG! It's Invasion of the Bloggy Snatchers day and I've got bubkis to post. So I'm pantsing this.

**********

"Road trip!" I hollered, jangling the Happy Acres van keys I stole from the nurse's station after sneaking into the coma ward and pushing the call button.

The sun shone through the windows of the common room, leaving a striped pattern on the floor from the bars that kept us safe. A techno beat thumped from the stereo.

"Come on, let's go you guys. We can go anywhere. See? I've got freedom right here, in the palm of my hand." I pumped my fist in the air, shaking the keys to emphasize my point.

"Leave me alone. I'm too edgy for the outside," Bill said, then added, "Zimbabwe."

He cringed as a matter of habit right before Claudine slapped him upside the head. He was well trained to expect the head-slap, but not well enough trained to keep his mouth shut.

"Courtney?" I asked, joining her at her computer where she was madly scheduling and adminstrating her group critique blog. And doing homework. And researching. And writing. And pulling her hair out in little tufts that drifted to the floor.

"Fine. But I'm bringing my laptop," she grunted.

I approached Mia in the corner. She was having another tea and hot dog party with her imaginary zombie friends. They all wore bow ties and flip flops. One sported a spiffy bowler hat. It's Happy Acres. We can all see each other's imaginary friends.

"Mia? Road trip?" I asked.

"ZOMG. I'm totes in! (this never happens)(where's my caffeine?!). All the zombies nodded their assent, as well.

Just then Tessa danced in from the hallway, making her customary entrance, trailing sparkles behind her. She stopped long enough to giggle and throw confetti on the zombie party, then fluttered to a red leather chair where Suzie sat rereading her tattered copy of Twilight yet again. I followed her.

"So, um, Tessa. Suzie. Wanna road trip?"

Tessa threw a handful of sparkly confetti. "Will there be cupcakes?"

"Can I bring my book?" Suzie asked, not looking up from her book.

"Yes and yes," I said. I'm a compulsive liar. I'm really bringing donuts.

One final stop on my tour of the room. "Your majesty?" I asked Simon (we all know he's really the king of Scotland, even though Scotland hasn't come around yet. There's an e-mail campaign going on as we speak).

He glanced up from his icy glass of vodka and his entourage of imaginary literary babes, deigning to acknowledge me. "Yes?"

I jingled the keys seductively. "Wanna go for a ride?"

"Would I ever," he said. The gaggle of babes giggled in unison at his innuendo. "But only if I control the radio."

"Fine." I rolled my eyes. That meant more symphonic metal. But it was a price worth paying.

"Shotgun!" Claudine called from across the room, loud enough for the nurse (who had returned to the nurse's station in a huff, embarrassed that she'd fallen for the call-button-in-a-room-full-of-coma-patients yet again) could hear her.

I quickly swung the keys behind my back and slapped on my innocent eyes, but she knew better and approached me with her fists on her broad hips.

"Hand them over, Margaret," she said and slid a wide open hand toward me.

"Damn," I said, and gave her the keys. I glared at her. She glared back. The silence was deafening (except for the techno). Her glare turned into a glower and I knew I was in trouble for sure.

"Um, can I have a donut?" I blinked, then gave her my best puppy dog eyes.

"Hmph," was all she said, then turned and marched back to the nurse's station. I shrugged and went to sit with Bill.

"Zimbabwe," he said.

"Indeed."

Weather Blogfest

I'm a day late for the weather blogfest, but according to Nick at A Little Slice of Nothing, who is hosting the fest, it's okay to post a day or two on either side of the fest...so I guess I'm still in the safe zone.

This exerpt from my WIP is actually a repeat of the exerpt I used for Tessa's Blogfest of Death, but it works for this Blogfest too...death by weather. What's more fun than that? (literarily speaking, of course).

The setup: Rand is a rogue faerie-turned-human who's pissed off at humankind and wants to start a war with them. Victor is his right hand man. In this scene they're testing a new weapon.

***************

“Is everything ready, Victor?” Rand asked his mage.

"Yes, Master.”

“Good. Then let’s get on with the test.” While Abelo was out searching for his daughter, Rand had decided to test his newest weapon. He needed something to keep him busy, and since weapons test was on the to-do list there was no better time than the present.

He’d chosen the small, isolated community of Fossil in central Oregon as his target. The name was just too ironic. He and Victor were positioned on a high point outside of town and prepared to launch the weapon prototype.

Rand lifted the lid on the wood crate which housed the device. Once the lid was open, the weapon floated free of the housing and hung in mid-air, a thing of beauty. The size of a basketball, it hissed and crackled with electric blue energy. It took Rand’s breath away.

“Shall we?” He asked Victor.

Victor handed Rand a vial of opaque white liquid, which he uncorked and swallowed in one gulp. The warmth of the substance tracked down to his center and then quickly raced to his limbs, energizing him with additional magic. He closed his eyes and began to whisper the spell he and Victor had designed to direct the weapon. His arms out at his sides, he threw his head back as the words gained momentum and his natural gifts took over. It felt good to control the weather again. He had so little opportunity anymore and after years of not being able to use his magic, he reveled in it now. Wind began to rush and gray clouds swirled from nowhere, obscuring the blue sky. The weapon responded to Rand’s urgent words, first spinning wildly on its axis, then whizzing away as it closed the distance between the men and the town. The tempest blew stronger, dark menacing clouds forming overhead as the weapon neared the first buildings.

Rand called on the winds and weather, bending them to his will until he was satisfied to see a twister drop lazily from the clouds as the weapon reached the center of town, where it hovered, waiting for the twister to meet and trigger it.

Even from his vantage he could see humans as they stepped out of their homes and businesses and stared up at the sky, no doubt wondering at the anomalous tornado – and the strange glowing orb hovering over the center of town. He snorted a derisive laugh. How stupid they were – when faced with a threat from nature, they stood like fools and gaped at it. It wasn't until the twister breached the edge of town that people began to race around, frantic and confused about where to go. Rand urged the wind to blow harder, pushing the tornado to meet the weapon. And then they met in a glorious blue explosion of destruction. When the orb burst it released its energy in a shock wave which shot straight down and then rippled outward. As it came in contact with each human being they disintegrated into a cloud of dust and blew away in the wind. Blue lightning streaked across the sky, and fat drops of rain began to fall as the last of the people in town erupted into puffs of dust and disappeared into the storm until the town was deserted and every single human being had been wiped from existence.

“Perfect,” Rand said. “Absolutely perfect!”

*******************

Hope you liked it. Now go check out the rest of the entries in the Weather Blogfest at A Little Slice of Nothing!

MFA Residency: Day 6

Friday was the last day of the residency, which is always bittersweet because it means the fun is almost over. But by Friday everyone is getting kind of burned out and tired from constantly being on the run for a week, and missing family, etc.

We finished out the second day of the fiction workshop which was, of course, awesome. Even though my piece was workshopped on Monday I still learned a lot by listening to and participating in the critiques of other people's writing. It's a good way to find out what works and what doesn't for form, style, and story. And some of these people are writing some very fascinating projects.

Later in the day we had a lecture and then a wrap-up where we discussed the things that work and don't work for the residency and the program in general. It's sort of the program administrators' way of doing quality assurance, and I don't know how useful it is to them, but it seems to be a good forum for students to air grievances and highlight the things about the program that work best for them.

Finally, the day ended with an open mic for students and readings by a couple of former students from their current works. I read a piece of flash fiction for the open mic (nervously), and some of the other students read some really good writing...mostly poetry, which is really hard to do well. I was seriously impressed with a couple of them.

So now it's early Saturday morning and I'm mostly packed (except for my laptop), getting ready for the shuttle to take me to La Guardia. I slept crappy last night anticipating a long day of travel so I'm tired and I'll likely be cranky when I get home, but seeing the shiny happy faces of my kids and hubby will temper that somewhat, I'm sure. It will certainly be nice to sleep in my own bed tonight.

MFA Residency: Day 5

For those of you following along, today was day 5 of my MFA residency. I woke up still feeling slightly dizzy and sore but I took some Dramamine and Advil and those seemed to do the trick.

The morning workshop I attended was "Teaching Creative Writing to Non-Writers." The instructor was really great and she gave us some awesome ideas for ways to engage non-writers. We participated in several very fun and productive writing exercises that I can see being useful for teaching both creative writing and adaptable to academic/composition writing. So I was inspired after the workshop.

Then it was lunch time and I started getting really nervous because this afternoon at 2:00 was the agent Q and A panel followed by agent meetings...and I was signed up to meet with an agent. The panel Q and A was fantastic. Four different agents representing vastly different genres, all in the same room and available for us eager writers to pick their brains...which we did. They were a wealth of information.

After the panel it was meeting time. I was totally freaked out trying to remember my one liner pitch, but as it turned out I didn't even need it. Several weeks ago we'd sent intro letters, synopsis and first 10 pages of our projects to the agents we were meeting with, and she didn't even ask for a pitch. She just launched into a discussion about my project and basically said she really liked my story and characters and thought the writing was good, etc.

I was really worried because it's not completely revised and polished, but apparently the agents make allowances for that when they meet with MFA students. Whew.

So she finally asked me, "you'll have this edited in, what, 1 month? 2 months?" and I said, "definitely!" She said, "good!" She said she only has one romance client herself, but she just hired a new agent who handles more romance and she said when I have the manuscript finished to send it to her new agent, then she gave me the new agent's e-mail address.

I'm so stoked!

So now I'm going to give up sleeping and spend every waking minute that I'm not working, eating or doing other vital survival-related activities on editing.

Today was definitely an awesome day. *sigh*

MFA Residency: Days 2 thru 4

I'm late posting info on days 2 thru 4, but we've been super busy, so please forgive my tardiness.

Day 2, Monday, was the first of a 2-day fiction workshop. All participants exchanged 10-20 pages of a current fiction WIP and critiqued it before arriving at the residency. Then we spent the 3-hour meeting time workshopping each others' pieces. Because it's such a wildly popular, well-attended, and intense workshop, it's split into 2 days. My piece was workshopped the first day and received very positive reviews. Whew. That's very good news since I'm going to be pitching it to an agent on Thursday. Hope she liked the first 10 pages I sent her.

Monday afternoon there was a lecture by one of the instructors, a very humorous reading actually, then we met for peer workshops where our group really just bounced around new project/plot ideas. I didn't have anything to contribute. Then Monday evening we had readings (one was really great one was okay) and the Flash Fiction Slam. I read for the flash fiction slam, but I was totally nervous and I had 2 pieces to choose from for reading: a cerebral type humor piece and a dark, grim piece. I chickened out on the dark piece and wasn't very happy with the reading of the humorous piece. But it was fun anyway.

Tuesday was supposed to be more workshops, meetings, lectures, but....

I got sick. It wasn't food poisoning, and I'm not entirely sure what the heck it was, but it involved mostly vertigo and dizziness and sore back and neck. So I spent the entire day in bed after ingesting Dramamine and Advil. There wasn't much on TV, but between what I could find on TV and a book to read, and room service, I made it through the day and after a decent night's sleep I was sufficiently better this morning to return to the MFA hijinks.

Today, Wednesday, was an interesting revision workshop, then a sort of sobering lecture entitled, "Can I Actually Make a Living At This," (i.e., writing). The conclusion was: sort of.

After that we sat thru a panel wherein program graduates talked about what they did for the internship/practicum component of their degrees. There was a wide range from working for a literary journal to teaching to working as a grant writer.

Finally, several students gave presentations summarizing their enrichment projects. One of the requirements of the program is to do an enrichment project which is not at all related to your thesis or your writing studies. For instance, one of the students today gave a powerpoint describing the Italian American Art Festival she developed. Another designed a bilingual newsletter for a small town in an effort to bring together the Latino and Anglo populations. The third presentation was another powerpoint describing the stage play the student produced and directed.

So only 2 more days. Time really flies at these residencies. And tomorrow is the agent panel and directly after that? Agent meetings. I'm so nervous I'm trying not to think about it, otherwise I might be sick. Wish me luck, okay? I'll let you know how it goes.

MFA Residency: Day 1

Hey Everyone!

I was talking about a week ago about all the preparation I was doing for my MFA residency, and how I was looking forward to all the inspiration and creativity.

Well, travel was uneventful, thankfully, and I arrived without incident a couple of days ago and yesterday was the first day of actual workshop. I signed up for a session on flash fiction.

Before the residency we had all sent each other a piece of flash fiction and then yesterday we discussed flash fiction in general then workshopped each others pieces. It was a great experience. Everyone has such wide ranging stories and backgrounds, and most of the stories were well done. I got some valuable insight into my piece which allowed me to come back to my hotel room and revise it last night.

Yesterday afternoon we attended a panel where several graduates of the program spoke about their experience in the program and how it has propelled them in their careers...basically what they're doing now and how what they did in the program helped them to get there. It was very insightful.

We met with our mentors for the courses we'll be taking this semester so we could get down the nitty gritty of actual academic work.

Then in the evening we attended readings by a recent graduate from her memoir (it was very powerful stuff) and by one of the instructors (who is an awesome writer) from his recently published bestseller and from a novel he's currently working on.

It was a busy day, but that's what residency is all about. Packing an insane amount of academia, creativity, and inspiration into one week...enough to send you through the entire semester.

What's today (Monday) got in store? A fiction workshop, peer workshop, more readings, and a flash fiction slam contest tonight (I'm gonna read my newly revised flash fiction piece....wish me luck!!!)