You Hear the Strangest Things....

As a medical transcriptionist I spend day in and day out listening to people talking. Endlessly droning. Frankly it's tedious work. I don't know why anyone would be worried about their medical secrets being made public because I listen to and type about so many patients in a day and mostly don't even pay attention to names. It's just a matter of getting the production done. I can't remember one patient from another...they all run together after a while.

But that's not the gross part of what I hear.

While typing this morning, I heard something that at first made me go "ewwwww," then made me chuckle. The doctor is blabbing away, pauses, and then I hear a big ole nasty juicy fart. I could just imagine him leaning up and straining to let 'er rip.

Last week I was typing a report and the doc sneezed, snorted, coughed because he choked on the wad, then swallowed it. I just about lost my lunch on that one.

There was another doc last week who seemed to have a problem with an excess of saliva so was constantly swallowing his slobbery leftovers.

I'm often subjected to docs eating when they dictate. I can hear the food rolling around in their mouths as they try to speak. It's all wet and sloppy sounding.

On the one hand, I suffer from an unfortunate (in this case anyway) excess of imagination so the mental pictures are usually quite vivid, and sometimes disturbing.

On the other hand, I've got to wonder on a philosophical level:

Do these medical providers not realize there are human beings on the other end of whatever device they're using to dictate? Hello - a little common courtesy would be nice!

Maybe they're under the illusion that because they're alone when they're dictating, no one will hear their bodily function noises. Maybe it just doesn't enter their conscious stream of thought. Maybe they don't care.

Does it say anything about the quality of their medical care that they lack the awareness to realize someone will eventually have to listen to those noises? Are they that unaware on a medical treatment level as well?

Or are they just so used to the functioning of the human body that they've become complacent to the sounds it makes? Does this say something about their bedside manner? That they have little consideration for the feelings of others?

I don't know the answers to any of those questions. All I know is that sitting here in my office alone with headphones on my ears makes those noises all the more intimate and yucky. And they usually take me by surprise.

I just wish there was some way to warn me what's coming so I can brace myself.

I'm just saying.