Thursday, July 9, 2009

Pity Party

Okay, so today I'm having a pity party for myself. I'm having a catastrophic crisis of self-confidence. Here's the litany that's jangling in my brain: My WIP sucks, I should trash it and start over, or at the very least I need to cut it in half, or better yet someone else should write it. I'm a crappy writer and shouldn't even try.

Plus I found out I won't be getting any grant money for my MFA program because I didn't get my FAFSA in early enough (I was waiting until I had my taxes done so I'd have accurate financials), so my only option is to go into monumental debt to pay for the first year of my master's program.

Between these two problems, I feel physically ill with anxiety. There's a pain in my chest, I feel like I want to barf, and I really just want to jam my head in a pillow and scream at the top of my lungs then cry until I'm dehydrated. If I drank, I would be, but I don't. Thankfully there's no chocolate in the house or my hips would spread another couple of inches.

Soooooo.....

Instead I'm going to wallow in self-pity the rest of the night and try to sleep it off. I got some advice from another writer to whom I also bemoaned my WIP-loathing and she told me the important thing is to FINISH IT. Don't go back and read it, don't question yourself, just get it on paper then go back and slash it to bits and rewrite it.

I will allow myself the luxury of being a blubbering fool tonight, then tomorrow I will square my shoulders and continue to put words to page, only looking forward, trying to improve as I go, and not worry about perfection until I'm on the thrid or fourth rewrite/edit/revision.

Now all I have to hope for is that I can find a benevolent philanthropic sponsor to pay for my MFA program....

6 comments:

Angie Ledbetter said...

Sorry about the bad news, but I think the writing advice you got is sound.

Is there maybe a work program at the university you could apply to?

Cheryl said...

Oh, I so know this feeling! It passes. I've come to think of it as the underlying dredge material of my subconscious rearranging themselves. I also think of it as the fussy tidying up voice telling the creative kid to stop playing and clean up. Don't listen to it! It's difficult, I know, when you have financial concerns. But there's only one way out of it...to let your imagination go out and play again. Maybe, before you sit down to write again, take a day off, go for a hike or listen to stories on tape. And remember, if writing is what you're meant to do, then life will help you along somehow. Miracles happen every day, why not to you?

Teresa Stenson said...

I hope things have lifted a little with the new day.

It sounds like you're under an enormous amount of pressure, especially if you're suffering with anxiety. Take good care of yourself.

Terri Tiffany said...

Are you better today:) I hope so! Listen to your friend about your WIP--don not edit as you go. That comes later. Just write it and finish it. Lots can change with it and that's what is supposed to happen!

Tony Noland said...

My WIP sucks, I should trash it and start over, or at the very least I need to cut it in half, or better yet someone else should write it. I'm a crappy writer and shouldn't even try.

Hey, who let you into my brain?!?

Glynis said...

I hope you find a rainbow in your cloud soon!